Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.