wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.