Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
The news
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.