Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal