Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.