If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
What the hell happened here.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Hello Twits.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Kermit goes Blue.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.