I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
@funTweeters
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.