Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
79.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.