Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When your man makes a valid point
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%