I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.