There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.