[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club