Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
You Might Also Like
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered