PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.