NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
You Might Also Like
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.