@awkwardposts: NASA has no chill
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@LaziestCanine: Homeless man: Change please Me: sorry dude I don't have any money on me Homeless man: No, change...That outfit is hideous
@batkaren: *lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
@INDlAN_: [describing robbers to sketch artist] Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili* Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*