@awkwardposts: NASA has no chill
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@Marlebean: They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy. I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
@neiltyson: i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you