@awkwardposts: NASA has no chill
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@Marlinaire: Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
@shkeeber: I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
@iwearaonesie: [dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
@JimmerThatisAll: People who say "in and of itself" are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.