@paperphotoyo: [1st Date] Brain: Be cool, gurl Him: Hi, I'm Ja- Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins Him: Netflix: So... Just you and me again, eh?

@AmberTozer: Friend: Look on the bright side Me: [walks away] Friend: Where are you going Me: To talk to someone who doesn't say shit like that

@smilely_gal: If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

@GreenishDuck: Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

@Taylormatronics: If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?