me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Is your wife single?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Important
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.