At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Yes, this is exactly right
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Golf would be better with landmines.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.