Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.