NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Terribly Tuesday.
I wish this was real life…
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
🤣dope
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Pass gas, not judgment.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.