NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
boat question
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”