” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I would like even faster food.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.