[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*