*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry