Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
😂 amazing answer
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”