Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Mornin
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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