Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
This line from Airplane.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…