Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.