I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?