To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
#JohnTravolta
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.