NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
This kid is going places
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
That’s incredible! 👌
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today