BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife