Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it