#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You Might Also Like
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?