Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
You Might Also Like
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs