Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
…u ok Nintendo?