STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Challenge accepted.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor