*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”