Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Oh hi lol
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.