Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
😎 🍻
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Friday
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.