@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"
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@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"
@FirstDateStory: "My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, "You're the third one this week"
@rolldiggity: 1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.
@VenisVal: My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video.