Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
how high up are we talkin’?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.