@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"
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@rachelmillman: if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
@ArfMeasures: JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need ME: This guy knows what it's all about JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu ME: OK scratch that
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago
@bazlyons: They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be 'land'