Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.