Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
December birthdays be like…
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors