Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks