Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Word!
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.