Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Trumpy Cat