need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
How I like cutting carbs
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The struggle is real
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it