“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Ah..makes sense now
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.