Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
You Might Also Like
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”