Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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I’ve been drinking.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist